can i ask a question? i was laying in bed the other day, just thinking to myself.... and people always say, "don't ask why because there is no answer" but is there? i wrote in my journal everything that came to mind and it kind of went like this....
"Do you every ask yourself why? why do people love? why do people hate? why do people breathe? why to people live? why do people die? why do people get sick? why do people stay healthy? why do people cry? why do people smile? why do people do bad things? why do the good die young? why do the Guilty live for eternity? why do friends come into our lives? why do friends leave? why do some forget? why do some forgive? why do some remember the aw full? why do some never forgive the simple? why? Do you ever ask yourself why?
Does this make sense to anybody? Do i sounds like a freak? maybe its just me. I kinda feel lately like i am just a struggling teenager that can't beat it. Is this the normal life of a teenager? maybe I'm just worrying to much. my grandfather is sick with cancer, and I'm not going to lie, I'm worried sick. i can't even think about loosing him without tearing up. he's so important to me. and so i try not to think about it but every time my brain even turns on something that does not take up every ounce of my brain i think about him.
I also really stress about my grades. i mean like i don't want to be a perfect 4.0 student(even know that would be great) but i just want to now struggle every day of school. My brother is so naturally smart and he can get such good grades, and the only thing he has to do is study every once and a while and apply himself and he can get a perfect 4.0. it's not fair. why can't i be naturally smart? i just don't want to struggle i want that honors diploma. i want to be that special person the twenty thirty years down the road i can send my parents on an all expense paid trip to Paris or Croatia or even Florida or Vermont(mom has always wanted to go there). i just wish i had the ability. everyone always says if i apply myself more i can get as good as grades as i want but i can't stay focused anymore to do any better. what am i suppose to do. do i give up. No! my best friend did that and look what happened now i have a 12x12 frame of the only pictures i ever had of her sitting by my bed with her obituary hung up in front of my bed on my wall. what good that did, right? ya I'm not that weak. i just struggle and feel like i stand alone sometimes because i don't want to drag anybody down. Can somebody just tell me I'm not crazy. just tell me I'm normal and it gets better. because this Really sucks. I'm tiered of hiding the tears until I'm in my bed and i cry myself to sleep almost every single night wondering why i can't be the perfect person, the perfect daughter, the perfect student. i don't even want to be perfect i just want to be good. i don't want to struggle and claw my way at EVERYTHING i do. what am i suppose to do?
WHY?
Home away from Home
This is at the track that my family races at. And this picture proves that God is always watching over everybody no matter who we are where we are or what we are.
Sophmore Year Prom
I love this picture. I loved this dress. I was fortunate to get to go to prom my sophmore year in high school. The experience was un-forgettable.
My brother and I
I love this picture. It really shows that I love my brother and he loves me. We took this picture and sent it in a hidden card in daddy's bag of clothes when he went out of town a little while back, and was going to be gone for valentine's day. He then surprised US!! and came home early on valentine's day. We were so happy.
3 comments:
Miss Morgan,
I remember being a teenager and thinking like you do....not much made sense...not much was fair. I struggled with Who I was and Who was I growing up to be...everyday. When I say struggle...I mean struggle...it was one of the toughest time of my life...mostly because I was so close to spreading my wings and soaring....but close was all that I was.
Let me share with you a vision that I had yeterday. Here I was sitting at Friendly's Restaurant with my closest friends and family. I found myself quietly looking at everyone around the table enjoying life. I saw a beautiful young lady sitting at the end of the table next to her mom...and across from MY daughter. I watched this young lady...laugh. She lit up my heart with warmth and happiness just by watching her laugh. She was so full of life and promise...I felt honored to just watch her grow from a little girl to a young lady.
I guess what I am trying to say is....As a teenager you see and feel only the negative about yourself...such as I did. You will always see those around you who appear to have it easier than you. You will also unfortunately see those around you...hurt. But...as you are looking at others...there is always someone looking at you thinking that YOU are the lucky one...and those around you that hurt...you will lighten their path by just being...YOU.
GOD BLESS YOU young lady.
Dear Daughter,
I, too, remember being a teenage girl. Your right...it sucks!! But it's also awesome. The world is spread out before you waiting for you to grab on. It seems to be human nature want what seems unreachable. From something as insignificant as wanting curly hair when yours is straight to the seemingly unattainable as wanting to be the star on the stage and everyone is hanging on your every word. As difficult as it is while your a struggling teen try to look outside the pain and frustration to all that is laid before you. This will pass, I promise. But remember those tears make the good times that much more special. They feel amazing because you know the opposite feeling. It's difficult to wrap your heart around this next comment, but try. When our heart hurts at the thought of, or the actual loss of a best friend, relative or animal remember all of the joy they brought into your life. The giggles you shared, the warm fuzzy nuzzles and the big bear hugs. Feel the love in their gifts and not the emptiness of their passing. You are more intelligent than you give yourself credit...you are such a passionate, caring and compassionate beautiful person. Don't sell yourself short...the world is your oyster, now go find your pearl! I LOVE YOU!!!
My sweet Mo ...
I have never lied to you and I don't intend to start now ... believe me when I say that MY teenage years (and even later than that) sucked too!!! But by taking them one day at a time and doing the best I could with each given day, it has made me the person I am today! NOT perfect mind you, but I am happy with who I am!
As far as your grandfather goes ... he's not going anywhere, anytime soon!! He's going down a little bit of a rough road right now but he is VERY strong and WILL get better and will be ready to take that trip to the beach before your senior year begins!!! So, you'd better get that new bikini early this year!!!
I am VERY proud of YOU and your entire family for who each one of you are! Because you are a sensitive soul, you probably hurt more than you should ... but that's okay ... life's lessons are hard to learn and accept but your "soft heart" has made you an AMAZING young lady (and I'm not the only one who thinks that!!!!!)
So remember, ONE DAY AT A TIME and we all love you!!! You don't have to cry alone in your room ... you have friends and family who will ALWAYS have a shoulder for you to cry on when you need it!!
Now dry your tears, put a smile on your face and say "WHY NOT" ... then go make a big pickle, pepper & chedder cheese plate and enjoy!!!
Love you with every fiber of my being ... NANNA
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