Monday, February 8, 2010

No Title, No Pictures, Just Words, This Time

People make mistakes. We've all heard this line. Sometimes its harder to ACCEPT then others. I've make my mistakes lately and don't know exactly how to fix them. For I know it will take time but I don't know how to live with myself until then. You all have read the blogs of my mother and my grandmother, you've all seen how things are so great in my family and how FAMILY oriented my life is. I screwed up. I'm so sorry. My world and my families world was finally starting to come together. Yeah everybody has their daily struggles but it was all starting to really get good. We were all finding our ways in life and exactly what we are suppose to and love to do. We love so much in this family. I became very blind to this. I became very closed faced to how good I had it here at home. I loved every minute I spent and SPEND with my family but wasn't living it to its fullest like I used to so short of a time ago. I really screw this one up. I don't know how to fix it. another common saying is "time". But here is all I can say. I'm not good with words, never have been never will be when it comes to subjects that are anything heavier then the whether. But i will give this my best shot....

MOM: I'm sorry. I love you unconditionally. You are my mother, my only mother and we have a mother daughter bond that can never be broken. You help me understand things I have done wrong. You help me to fix the things i have broken. You stand by me no matter how badly I have hurt you, and you continue to try to help me no matter how much I hurt, frustrate, and shut down on you. I am so thankful to have you in my life to save me from myself and help me become all i can be. I will make sure that i prove to you that I will become all that ME, YOU, DAD, NANA, and PAPPAP want me to be and know i can be. I will make this up to you. I will show you that I can be who I used to be and will be all of that and more. I promise.

NANA: You've been the GREATEST grandmother in the world. yes i know all grandchildren say things like that, but I mean it. you have done nothing but give me the world and build me up to all the people you are friends with and talk to. I know I've hurt you in this whole thing because you have always thought that I am better then this. We'll I've learned and I am learning HOW much better I am then this whole mess. I can and will fix this and we will all continue to be a big happy family again. I know that I have mess up a lot of trust and pride for me but I will rebuild what I can and learn from what I can not. and to you I am also truly sorry.

PAP: God what was I thinking. You've been like a rock to me. Every child in this world looks for a rule model and I am so lucky to have YOU. The things you have accomplished already in your life. How smart you are. The amazing job of not having to break you back everyday for your pay check but instead using the amazing brains you have to do good in this world. BEATING CANCER. You are such a strong person. I should have just continued to strive to be so much like you, just as I did as a little girl and as I have for so many years. I'm sorry for letting you down. I will and am doing everything I can to try and get myself back on a path of good and fix what I can out of this mess.

DADDY: No, I purposely put you last because I wanted this to be the last thing you read so that it was the last thing that could sink in the longest. You are my father, and I am your little girl. I messed up big time and I just don't know how to fix things with you. I want so badly to be able to go back to talking about cars and nitrous and a quarter mile of black top and speed. But I know you just can't do that right now. It's my fault I understand that. But I'm telling you that I'm so so sorry, I know this is only words but it's all I have to offer right now. I want to fix things between us I just don't know how to. We just finally started to have a relationship that was more fun and could talk about me getting good grades and you putting me in the Camaro, we had finally become comfortable with talking about, WHATEVER we wanted to. It didn't have to be all about racing or hunting or out doors anymore, we could talk about school, and band, AND racing, and my future in school. I'm going to fix what I can of this but I can not do it with out my father by my side. I love you dearly and can not live with out you. I know that I have hurt you more then words can say but I will do what ever I can to try and help fix this. I know I have done by you and by the family name but I want to fix this, I really do. I want my life back. I want OUR life back. I'm so sorry daddy, I know this won't fix things right away but I'm hoping that maybe by just trying to put my heart out here for you to see that I want to fix things then maybe we can start to heal and grow and build our lives back together. I love you daddy. and I'm sorry.