No Title, No Pictures, Just Words, This Time

People make mistakes. We've all heard this line. Sometimes its harder to ACCEPT then others. I've make my mistakes lately and don't know exactly how to fix them. For I know it will take time but I don't know how to live with myself until then. You all have read the blogs of my mother and my grandmother, you've all seen how things are so great in my family and how FAMILY oriented my life is. I screwed up. I'm so sorry. My world and my families world was finally starting to come together. Yeah everybody has their daily struggles but it was all starting to really get good. We were all finding our ways in life and exactly what we are suppose to and love to do. We love so much in this family. I became very blind to this. I became very closed faced to how good I had it here at home. I loved every minute I spent and SPEND with my family but wasn't living it to its fullest like I used to so short of a time ago. I really screw this one up. I don't know how to fix it. another common saying is "time". But here is all I can say. I'm not good with words, never have been never will be when it comes to subjects that are anything heavier then the whether. But i will give this my best shot....

MOM: I'm sorry. I love you unconditionally. You are my mother, my only mother and we have a mother daughter bond that can never be broken. You help me understand things I have done wrong. You help me to fix the things i have broken. You stand by me no matter how badly I have hurt you, and you continue to try to help me no matter how much I hurt, frustrate, and shut down on you. I am so thankful to have you in my life to save me from myself and help me become all i can be. I will make sure that i prove to you that I will become all that ME, YOU, DAD, NANA, and PAPPAP want me to be and know i can be. I will make this up to you. I will show you that I can be who I used to be and will be all of that and more. I promise.

NANA: You've been the GREATEST grandmother in the world. yes i know all grandchildren say things like that, but I mean it. you have done nothing but give me the world and build me up to all the people you are friends with and talk to. I know I've hurt you in this whole thing because you have always thought that I am better then this. We'll I've learned and I am learning HOW much better I am then this whole mess. I can and will fix this and we will all continue to be a big happy family again. I know that I have mess up a lot of trust and pride for me but I will rebuild what I can and learn from what I can not. and to you I am also truly sorry.

PAP: God what was I thinking. You've been like a rock to me. Every child in this world looks for a rule model and I am so lucky to have YOU. The things you have accomplished already in your life. How smart you are. The amazing job of not having to break you back everyday for your pay check but instead using the amazing brains you have to do good in this world. BEATING CANCER. You are such a strong person. I should have just continued to strive to be so much like you, just as I did as a little girl and as I have for so many years. I'm sorry for letting you down. I will and am doing everything I can to try and get myself back on a path of good and fix what I can out of this mess.

DADDY: No, I purposely put you last because I wanted this to be the last thing you read so that it was the last thing that could sink in the longest. You are my father, and I am your little girl. I messed up big time and I just don't know how to fix things with you. I want so badly to be able to go back to talking about cars and nitrous and a quarter mile of black top and speed. But I know you just can't do that right now. It's my fault I understand that. But I'm telling you that I'm so so sorry, I know this is only words but it's all I have to offer right now. I want to fix things between us I just don't know how to. We just finally started to have a relationship that was more fun and could talk about me getting good grades and you putting me in the Camaro, we had finally become comfortable with talking about, WHATEVER we wanted to. It didn't have to be all about racing or hunting or out doors anymore, we could talk about school, and band, AND racing, and my future in school. I'm going to fix what I can of this but I can not do it with out my father by my side. I love you dearly and can not live with out you. I know that I have hurt you more then words can say but I will do what ever I can to try and help fix this. I know I have done by you and by the family name but I want to fix this, I really do. I want my life back. I want OUR life back. I'm so sorry daddy, I know this won't fix things right away but I'm hoping that maybe by just trying to put my heart out here for you to see that I want to fix things then maybe we can start to heal and grow and build our lives back together. I love you daddy. and I'm sorry.

WOW

Anybody notice how fast life has gone by in the past two to three years? I know I have. It has been crazy. In the past three years I have gone from being a quiet, yet social, little tom boy, to being a (what I think) is a pretty young woman. I have confidence. I look forward to when I go to Kent on Thursdays because i feel that i fit in with so many people. I am so ready to get away from high school and not even think about looking back. I've worked so hard to make sure I have everything ready that I need to start at Kent ASAP. I don't want to sit for to long after I graduate from high school because that's when i get bored and lose interest. I want to become great things. I can NOT wait to get my degree and be able to help people. This is my passion, My calling, My life. I know that it is going to take every ounce of focus and discipline I have but i can not wait for the challenge. I've never wanted something like I do with this.
I have become such great friends with Emily that i just become more and more inspired to be something great by the day. Every time I see her and see her face just light up to be around people she loves and is such good friends with it makes it so much more rewarding to be HER friend. She is like a sister to me and has made me realize how much I am truly meant to do what I am about to do with my life. I want to aspire to be something great. I want to be able to do my own thing and whenever I come out on the other side my family is so proud of me.
I know along the way there will probably be things that I do that people will not totally agree with but that's OK because it's my turn to show my friends, family, enemies, and the world what I am able to accomplish on my own. It's my turn to show everybody that I can just survive while starting to figure out things on my own. It's time to let myself bloom into something amazing. I for a while started to panic and not want anything to do with growing up and leaving the safety of my closed up rose petals but now i can't wait to show everybody the beautiful color on the inside. I'm so determined to make a life of my own. Getting a Job, Getting an Education, Getting a Career, And hopefully Having a Family someday. I hope that no matter what choices I make in my life in the next few years, everybody who stands behind me know and believes in me doesn't stop believing in me and trusting in my decisions.

I'm thinking... I'm thinking... I'm thinking...

OK. So i sat in front of this computer and tried to come up with something and somehow to start this blog. Well i figured it out. it starts last night. My family went to load up band equipment from the rehearsal hall for the show on New Years Eve. Our good friend Jack came along to give us a hand. After we loaded up and came home we sat around the table and had a nice dinner together. Then there was a knock at the door and Sidney let out a loud YIPE!! Travis Mashburn came in the door, Jacks little brother. he sat at the end of the table. Jack sat next to mom, mom sat across from me, dad sat at the head of the table and Jon sat next to me.( Now its your job to figure out where we are all actually sitting. try and visualize it.) But anyways, so as we sit there chatting, we begging to notice that the foil that once was around the backed potatoes we had for dinner are now the perfect size ball to match a baseball. next thing we all new, we were playing volleyball with these balls of foil, and then baseball using oven mitts as the bat. At one point Jon got up from his seat not really notices and walled into his room, Jack was using the Pooh Bear oven mitts now at antlers like a deer. As he turns to look at mom with his great horns of fabric, something smacks him right between the eyes. But what makes this so funny....is he didn't react right away, he kept making dorky sounds than about five seconds later flinched and said ouch and started laughing. Perfect shot, by my brother J-Blood. I guess the boy just has the right touch to hit anything right between the eyes. Whether is is a deer with an arrow or Jack with a beer bottle cap folded in half. We laughed so hard last night around that table. Just over the simplest of things. We than slowly migrated to the living room. Jack Laid out on the couch, Travis curled up in moms chair, Mom curled up in dads chair, and Jon and i were on the floor with the puppy. Dad went on to bed because he was tired and just plain wore out. As we just kind of hung out watching TV now unwinding from the fun i realized just how much i forgot what it was like, just to have a good time and not stress over something. As I text Medford, Jack and Travis's dad, good night i told him that his mind could rest easy for the night, that both his boys were together happy, Jack sound asleep on the couch and Trav not far behind in sleep, both with full tummy's, warm and happy for the night. He simply said thank you and told me how much, they were his pride and joy. I told him he was more then welcome and a final good night. Threw all of this i learned something. Something may be so small, maybe something so great, but i learned that instead of stressing over things that could kill a small animal, let them go and fill yourself with times like these pf happiness and laughter. Life is way to short to not laugh, to not smile, and to not live. I learned that if things don't go as exactly planned, well OK.... move on. Things are not that bad. I'm gonna start living with more of a smile on my face and worry about what may benefit me in my life instead of always worrying about if i might be not perfect in somebody Else's view. That's my opinion.... As my father would say, " It is my opinion, there are and may be many like it but this one is my own." And that's my story for tonight.

God Bring Me Home Safe

A man kisses his wife and son.
A woman hugs her husband and kisses her daughter.
A little girl has tears running down her soft cheeks.
A teenage boy cries to God asking why.

Them in uniforms, wave one last time.
Saying good bye, with a gentle nod.
They walk to that awaiting plan.
They pray silently to themselves.
"God Bring Me Home Soon."

The families stand at that tall cold fence.
Parents who are left hold their children.
Tears, so sad run down all's faces.
They all silently say a prayer.
"God Bring Them Home Soon."

Months pass. Letters are sent to and from.
Then the letters from home get no response.
Weeks pass. A man comes in a uniform with a sealed envelope.
The family cries, Oh Please No.
"Oh God, Bring Them Home Soon."

Those same families gather again.
Standing at that tall, cold fence.
Praying to see their loved ones, walk off of that plane.
The doors lowers, dress blues are seen.
"God, Please Bring Them Home Soon."

As those in dress blues become seen.
They carry flag draped caskets.
The reality sets into family members
Some cry out, some drop to their knees.
"God Bring Them Home Soon."

Those little boys and girls,
The teenage children, asking why,
The wife's and husbands,
Left to pick up each other and mourn as one.
"God brought Them Home."

The line of black hearses.
The filled funeral homes.
Family and friends waiting to say welcome home.
Most stand numb asking God why.
"God you didn't bring them home, you took him home."

The families say good bye.
Some frustrated with god.
Some frustrated with the government.
They wanted him to come home to them alive.
They Prayed, "God Bring Him Home Soon."

They hear people talking in the streets.
"This is their job to fight for freedom."
Yet they stand there and don't think about the families left behind.
Husbands and wife's get defensive over their loved ones.
Standing up for those who give their lives so we can be Free.

Standing up for those who,
"God decides to bring home to him."
Such as he did with their husbands and Wife's,
Their sons and daughters.
"God someday i ask you to bring them all home to us and you."

Christmas/Holiday Wish List's

OK so i know i haven't been on here in forever and have allot to get caught up on but one thing i have been thinking about that could give us all a helping hand during the holiday time. Why does everybody make a blog entry that is their Christmas wish list. It can be a present you want, or a dinner you want to have with a group of friends. But post it. Then those of us who read your blog will then have idea's for holiday gifts and outings. Makes things much easier. Give it a try.

http://www.cmt.com/videos/misc/277609/just-stand-up-artists-stand-up-to-cancer.jhtml?

You know I'm starting to wonder if things are going to fall how i want them to but you know maybe I'm just suppose to know till it happens. So fine. Life is a roller coaster that i can't control. But i guess i can look at it as a ride of fun instead a ride of fear and worry. Just ride it out. everything happens for a reason right.? Sure that what everybody has always said. GOD has plan for everybody. I wish i could believe my own words coming out of my mouth. I won't lie I'm terrified to be on my own, i don't know where I'm going what I'm going to do... I know Nothing. I know what i WANT to do and where i WANT to be but who knows if its going to happen that way. I sure hope so. I guess i can lean of the faith i do have and hope it gets me there. I wish my faith was as strong as it used to be. Its just not there anymore. I can't find it and its driving me crazy.
i put this link on here because a friend told me to look up this song and listen to the words. i here the words but i can't absorb them i can't believe them.

Good Bye My Old Girl

If you truly want to read the impact my girl had on my family and family friends, visit my moms blog. Her tribute is fantastic. It has taken me a week to say the little bit i am about to say. What i can say is, my girl must be happy, today at about 4:30 it started to rain. (exactly one week late.) at about 6 o'clock it stopped raining. My Josie was telling me she's OK, and that she is watching over me. I can't tell you how it feels to loose a lifetime companion like this. Its such a raw empty feeling. ever morning i am woken up by my mom putting our puppy, Sydney, on me till she licks half my face off. but its not the same. Sydney doesn't understand me. yes she is so cute but, its just not the same. every time i come home, there is no black nose in the last dinning room window facing the driveway, with whimpers of joy coming from it. Every night i go to bed and i never get yelled at for not petting or cuddling with her long enough. Every morning, no conversation when i come down the stairs and am only half awake. I miss that the most. Every single morning, rain or shine Josie would say good morning and i would lay as close to her as i could get and she would talk to me. We would spend at LEAST five minutes every morning talking waking up together. I used to come home from school and she would meet me at the door with a big nudge to get me on the ground and then would jump continue to lick me and wine and whimper and we would snuggle for a while. She loved this family so much that she would never eat until the family was home. She would go all day at times when we were all out busy with out eating. In seven months exactly as of today i will be eighteen, she would have been thirteen. I'm not sure how that's going to go. For twelve years she always got the first rose off OUR birthday cake feed to her by me with a fork. I have nobody to give my milk to in the morning when i finish my bowl of cereal. Nothing is the same. Sydney doesn't ever bark. Never talks and its just so different. I can't put into words the pain that i feel sometimes. It hurts. That's all there is to it. Its raw and as time goes on it still feels like yesterday. I dream about that day every night. I sat in the pouring rain with Josie all day that gloomy Thursday. I was soaked but she wanted to lay in the front yard so we did. I told her that morning that i would never leave her the rest of the day. And i didn't. I sat in the rain i held her until she left for a better place. She was the greatest friend I've ever had and will ever have. She was my baby my sister my world.
REST IN PEACE MY BABY GIRL!!! HOPE YOUR HAPPY!!!